Well, a bit has happened this week….
We’ve been trying to get a biopsy of the second 4mm tumor since it was first discovered in early October. It was too small for an ultrasound to detect so we had to move to an MRI biopsy. It took until this week to get an appointment.
We continued our tour of San Francisco medical facilities and landed at CPMC Mission Bernal campus.
I was pretty nervous and scared - the first biopsy was the most ‘painful’ part of this journey so I really wasn’t looking forward to more of that. I was anxious that my nose would start to bleed as I lay face down. I was petrified I’d be freezing without my wig and a hat. Thank goodness for my stash of Ativan (I don’t use it often, but when I do, it helps!)
Luckily, 2 of my 3 fears were unfounded - my nose didn’t bleed, and I was able to keep my hat on so I wasn’t freezing. It was painful - a needle boring through your breast isn’t going to be fun. But, everyone was kind, and it was over in about an hour. We haven’t received the results yet, but it’s likely malignant so I’m prepared for that. It will all be part of the conversation when we eventually get to the surgery phase.
Later that afternoon I got a call with the results of my genetic testing. Luckily I do not have a mutation of the gene that contributes to breast cancer (the BRACA gene). So, again, this will all be part of the surgery conversation…but still good news.
Infusion was actually the least eventful development of the week! Our appointment was on Thursday (due to Veteran’s Day) and passed without incident. No GBBS this week (episodes drop Friday!) so I turned to Bad Sisters (love it! VERY different from GBBS).
It feels good to be halfway through this first phase and still feel pretty strong. The nosebleeds are a massive pain in the ass. My balding head is itching like crazy. I notice I’m more tired. I slept for 2 hours Thursday afternoon, and then another 10 hours that evening. But I woke up Friday feeling fine, so maybe I just hadn’t slept well the past few nights.
I definitely feel winded on my neighborhood hill walks. They’re BIG hills for sure, and they’ve always winded me. It’s definitely getting harder - but I’m plugging along!
Now, to this concept of a mosaic….bear with me, like everything else in my life at the moment, it’s a work in progress.
Life as a mosaic. Constantly changing, morphing, broken pieces that become something new. That concept helps me hold the multiple feelings and experiences swirling around me right now.
Like, I do feel a lot lighter now that IMAPCT is (successfully) behind me. I’m trying to process a ‘successful’ IMPACT without me actually experiencing it. How do I let in an accomplishment I couldn’t see? Not at all a lesson I wanted to learn - but a tile in the ongoing mosaic of life.
I’m aware that I’m resisting the idea of plans for the future. Not because I don’t think I’ll have a future - I do, most of the time - but I just don’t feel strong enough to manage another disappointment. Huge piece of my current mosaic -balancing hope and disappointment.
So much hangs on whether or not I need to have a second 8 week course of chemotherapy. And I just won’t know that until the end of the year. How do I dream of what’s next, when I can’t quite attach a timeframe to it? I’m not sure how, but I think this mosaic tile is closely tied to the IMPACT accomplishment without an accompanying physical experience….damn it all.
I was also reminded this week of how lucky I am to live so close to water. There is something about an expanse of water - the ocean, SF Bay, even a lake - that reminds me that so many things can be true at once. The water can hold all of it - and I can be with ALL my thoughts and feelings.
Hope. Fear. Anger. Self-pity. Gratitude. Happiness. Sadness. Envy. FOMO (is that an emotion?). Fatigue. Energy. Accomplishment. Disappointment. Optimism. Despair. Satisfaction. Peace. Just to name a few.
A mosaic of a life…
Oh Veronica’s. How I wish I were out there to enjoy some “social” time with you.
You are such an inspiration.
Struggling with something myself lately, not even close to what you are going through and not my health, and this little quote really helps calm me. ❤️
“In faith, we focus on the good we know is present, even if we can’t see it yet.”
Sending you and G so much love ❤️
Maureen
V. We love you so much! Ned says hang in there! He loves you too!
You are radiant. It’s your willingness to turn things over and look at the underside that impresses me. You are learning and teaching. Thank you darling girl.