Radiation and Pricks

Or, post cancer life and injection adventures

201 days in, and I’m about to start the last chapter of this first phase of living with cancer.  I start radiation on Tuesday, March 28.  It’s just 15 days and I should be in and out in an hour.  The annoying thing is that UCSF just gave me the full schedule TODAY.  14 weekdays in Mission Bay at 5pm…if you’re in the Bay Area, you know that’s not going to end well….if only they offered free Dubs game seats to radiation patients!

Anyway, last week we talked to Dr. Majure and she’s decided to stop my immunotherapy treatments.  Because I achieved a Complete Pathological Response to the chemo/surgery regimen, I did get 5 Keytruda infusions (out of the 17 planned for the yearlong regimen), the jury is out on how much Keytruda is needed in my situation, and the fact that there are side effects I might be even more susceptible to, not more infusions.

So that was a lot.  Dr. Majure exudes confidence that my long-term outlook is very very good.  I know she’s weighed a lot of possibilities these past few weeks and believes this is the best path forward.  More on how I FEEL about that later.

Now, to the other thing going on.  I’m 44 days into being a healthy-ish person with diabetes.  I can’t quite think of myself as a healthy person with diabetes – that type of phrasing doesn’t work for me at the moment. Maybe someday.

My endocrinologist and a generous nurse practitioner friend of a friend continue to say I’m doing great.  And they are both saying that it’s normal for me NOT to feel that way.  

I have moments where I feel like I’m getting the hang of this.  My average glucose levels are reaching ‘normal’ and my time in the desired range is getting closer to where Dr. Quandt wants it to be.  I’ve realized that unlike so many medications, taking MORE insulin is not a bad thing.  So, when my numbers start to climb, I’m on it.  

I’m learning that a 10 minute bike ride, or quick jaunt up a hill can make a difference when my numbers are climbing.  Exercise and drinking water are the 2 things I can do to lower my blood sugar.

I’m used to shooting up so I’ve separated corrections (shots of insulin because my glucose is higher than it should be) and shots for food (which I have to do with just about every meal).  Managing those two data points separately helps me control them a bit better.  Maybe eventually I’ll combine them again.  44 days from now I’ll understand even more.

What I’ve also come to understand is even more impactful.  Unlike cancer where they knew EXACTLY how to treat it - how ‘healthy’ I was, my weight, how disciplined, etc, would have made no difference in their approach.  They would have modified it based on how I responded, but right at the beginning would have been exactly the same.

For diabetes, it’s totally different.  On February 10, I was in shock so all they could do is give me the bare minimum of information to keep me out of the hospital.  Each time we meet, and they get to know me better, they give me more ‘tools’ and more information. I wouldn’t have been able to absorb any of this 44 days ago.

And, this is not a V’s Adventures with Diabetes blog.  So more on that later as well.

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On to the emotional side of things….

My energy is at near normal levels.  I’m back on the bike.  Back up my neighborhood hills.  Longer walks.  A pretty rigorous Mt. Tam hike. My brain feels closer and closer to normal.  My college roommate who lives in Denver came to visit – feeding my soul more than I can ever say. And, two of my favorite people in the world got married last week!

‘New’ normal!

The fighter jet vs horse and buggy vibe is something I’ll likely work on forever.  But I’m making progress.  Yoga is back.  So is (more) meditation.  I’ve even eaten lunch away from my desk a few times.  And taken a few mid-day quick walks.  #progress

I remind myself every day that I am cancer free.  Now, the work is to remind myself – and work to believe it – that my chances of recurrence are very low.  

Trust, meet fear.  Fear, meet trust.

I trust I was treated at the best place in the world, and I trust Dr. Majure completely.  Ish.

I’m afraid the cancer will come back.  I’m afraid that stopping Keytruda might be the reason it comes back.  

Often it feels like fear is the truer response.  But do I really think my fear is smarter than Dr. Majure’s education, experience, and access to resources?

The truth is both need to learn to live with each other.  I’m going to be afraid for a long time that the cancer will come back.  And, dammit, this is probably all been a lesson in faith, trust and living in the moment.  Trust that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  

Trust that if I’m still here on this earth, there’s more to do and learn.  

Speaking of which…

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You know how much I’ve enjoyed writing this and that I’ve missed the consistent reason to write.  And, I don’t feel like diabetes calls for this type of writing discipline.  

So, I’ll write again after radiation is done, just to complete the cancer part of this journey.  And, that will conclude the blog as a way to keep so many of you updated on what’s happening.  

At some point, I’ll have a better grasp on how I want to write about what’s next.  Something about diabetes.  Something about making a difference and learning from this experience.  It’s nebulous but becoming clearer.

I hope you’ll come along – it will be a new blog, so you’ll be able to proactively subscribe!  Believe me, you’ll know it’s out there.

Meanwhile - thank you again for going on this journey with me.

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Today’s haiku

Our path is unknown.

We never know where it ends.

So today is it.